Good. I didn't want to take my math test.

>> 4 day weekend. I shall definitely be working on layouts and such.

>> I got my ID Card pic taken today for school. I got pissed because the lady wouldn't allow my name to be Steeni on my ID Card. She said we could have nicknames. Liar.

>> I'm lazy and updating off of AIM. But I think I'm done for right now. Maybe more later. :)

>> .Much Love. <<

V3 fucking sucks and I hate it.

Yeah. This really sucks. If I didn't have so many friends that I care about on here, I would totally leave.

V3 DOESN'T FUCKING WORK WITH MY COMPUTER. If you didn't know, my computer is old. And it's slow. And I have dial up. And V3 keeps freezing my computer. What the hell?!?!?!

Why does pressing enter... double space?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

**tears of frustration**

Yeah. So I wasted my whole weekend working on layouts for people who can't even fucking use them now.

Boy... I am so pissed. Er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have more reasons for why V3 sucks ass, but I'm afraid my computer will freeze again soon, so I gotta make this quick.

<3 Much love. Unless your V3. Then you gets no love.

Yeah. I for one have not had a good weekend. I haven't been feeling very well. I haven't particularly been having a good... past couple of weeks. And people being pissed at me for no fucking reason isn't helping.

Sorry that I pissed you off bitch. Some people are so testy. Yeah. You know who you are.

Screw my crappy weekend. I'm off to slit my wrists and go to sleep. 'Night.

Mulitple Personalities... suck.

I have to remind myself to not write when I’m going through one of my crazy panic attacks... or when my personalities are switching at a rapid pace.

Okay, my multiple personality disorder is self-diagnosed. But if I stayed in therapy longer, they would’ve come to this conclusion anyway. I just saved some time by diagnosing myself.

All my personalities have names too. Isn’t that funny?

Okay, no. It’s not funny. It’s pathetic. **shrugs** Oh well. ;)

And I didn’t do anything last night. For those that were worried. I think subconsciously I knew I really wasn’t really going to slice my wrists open, but it felt really good saying I was going to do so. O_o I know back when I was suicidal and all, slitting my wrists was nothing; it was release. But since I’m no longer suicidal, I can’t even fucking touch my wrists without getting all weird-ed out. I may still cut, but my wrists are left alone.

Reasons why V3 sucks:
* my computer can’t handle it
* double spacing seems to be making me angry. (Shift + enter gets rid of double space)
* what the hell are all these boxes??? Why can’t I just click on someone’s god damn screenname and just got to their fucking blog?
* my icon isn’t animated. :(
* I was promised CSS in V3. I was excited. But now I can’t fucking do shit. Everyone’s blog basically looks the same. What a way to conform, Mindsay!!!!
* My damn profile for V2 was awesome, and now it’s gone and I have this ugly looking thing.
* Where’s mindsaybot??
* My comments are no longer emailed to me. Now I’ll get no emails at all!
* Too many damn categories for friends; you can make things way too secretive.

Reasons why V3 is good:
* Too many damn categories for friends; you can make things way too secretive. But this is such a cop-out. I’m going to let everyone view everything. Whatever.
* Hmm. Still thinking.
* Yeah. Thinking.
* It’s easy to customize if you don’t know any HTML. But I know HTML. So this sucks.
* I do like the "new friends" feature. And the "recent activity." However, they need to show me all recent activity. Since they don’t email comments. Blah.

I’ll probably post again tonight. Maybe a real post in which I’m not complaining about how Mindsay sucks.

<3 *Steeni

I'm sorry my honesty made you upset Jamie.

One wonderful positive of V3:
Mindsay is no longer a restricted website at my school. :) :)

(That almost makes up for all my destroyed layouts. Almost.)

<3 'Steeni

I just had a five day weekend. They expect the school day to be pleasant? Nuh-uh. Not happening here.

Explanation of 5-Day Weekend:
Friday: Off to prepare for Hurricane Frances.
Saturday: Weekend.
Sunday: Weekend.
Monday: Labor Day, but would've been off because of Hurricane Frances anyway.
Tuesday: Off to clean-up after Hurricane/Tropical Storm (whatever it was) Frances.

So... who wants to go back to school after that? Blah.

Of course, Ms. Tigue made us take the test that we missed on Friday. We asked for a review; our brains can't retain information for such a long amount of time. She refused to review with us. Bitch. I kinda guessed on a few of the questions, and skipped 2 or 3 completely. Stupid teacher who gives stupid 4-5 page tests. O_o <~ yes. The evil eye.

I think Mindsay fixed the time for my entries. I'll double check in a little bit. When I updated in third period today, the time they had for my entry was 5:30 am. But when Jamie and I looked at my blog in 4th period, they said that I had updated at 10:09 am, which was correct. So I'm confused... lol as usual.

More promises...what fun. What heartbreak. Of course, that would be if I allowed myself to care. Which I'm not, Love.

Blah. Homework. Must do. Blah. ;)

<3 *Steeni

If so... yay! :)

Unfortunetly, Mindsay has returned to a restricted website at school again.

Damn.

I'd type an actual entry but I am at a loss for words.

Hurricane Ivan is going to kill us all.

haha. Watch it change direction. That'd be funny.

I'm sure we'll get some damage; I for one have been way too lucky with these hurricanes so far.

**shrugs**

I... nevermind.

I'll update tomorrow. A nice, wonderful update. Heh. :) I promise.

Much love.

My computer has a virus. So I'm updating off the 'rents computer. Fun. Just gotta remember to delete all the history when I get off. Haha.

I know a few people have been posting about Vanessa Carlton's new song, "White Houses." I was always a fan of Vanessa, but I really do not think she has ever written anything I could relate to as much as this song. It's wonderful.

So, on to my pointless entry for today. I am going to take some excerpts from this song, and maybe say why I relate to them. Maybe I'll just take up space. Maybe I'll bore you. Maybe you'll be entertained. But hey-- at least it's an entry. ;-) (and don't shout at me if the lyrics are wrong... 'cuz I dont' care.)

"We promise each other its till the end... now we're spinning empty bottles, it's the five of us..."
I used to be in this "clique" with four other girls, for years. We promised we'd always be there for each other, no matter what. Hah. I talk to one of them now. Only one.

"Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust..."
Yeah. I know some pretty-eyed boys who I'd love to trust, but know fully well I can't.

"She's so pretty and she's so sure. Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her..."
Okay, give me a break. I have to succumb to insecurity every once in a while and hate on the pretty girls. The beautiful ones. Usually I don't care... but sometimes it's just not fair.

"It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone. But I hold on to your secrets in white houses..."
Hah. My house is white. And I have secrets. Go me. Actually, my house was pink when I moved in. But none of us could stand living in a pink house, so my father painted it. Our shed is still pink though.

"Maybe I'm a little bit over my head. I come undone at the things he said..."
I used to care over every little thing you said. But I really don't care about you anymore.

"We were all in love and we all got hurt..."
Okay, who doesn't relate to that line? 

"It's alright, and I put myself in his hands..."
Or, at least I used to...

This is where the song gets really relateable:
"Love, or something ignites in my veins..."
Because it's not really love. Of course not.

This is where the song gets super relateable:
"My first time, hard to explain. Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain. On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think..."
It's more common than you think. I hear ya girl.

This is my line:
"He's my first mistake..."
Yeah... moving on...

"We gave each other up so easily. These silly little wounds will never mend. I feel so far from where I've been..."
This I relate to my previous friends and my moving away and everything.

"So I go, and I will not be back here again..."
And I never want to go back.

And if a certain person would ever choose to read this, remember:
"What I gave is yours to keep."

But not only in white houses.

I'm out. <3 *Steeni

Go me.

'cept I don't know if its working... lol.

**apologizes for her absence**

My computer has viruses, and probably will never be fixed. So I won't be on AIM on my house for a while. I will be able to update at home, read/reply at home... and I can also do it at school if time allows.

I feel weird updating at school. I feel like everyone is watching me... heh.

This is just a quick update saying I'm alive. lol more later

I'm really happy.

I don't know why I felt like I had to start this entry out by saying that, but it needed to be said.

I am really happy...

...but I'm kind of down at the same time. I don't know why I'm feeling down. I don't know why I'm happy.

Actually, I may just be feeling nothing. That happens to me a lot too. The positive and the negative emotions cancel eachother out. Just like positive and negative numbers, you know, in math.

My father and I are kind of not talking again. It's not the same as two summers ago, when I didn't talk to him for three months because we got into a huge fight (and called me a bitch and a bunch of other things). We have no reason to not be talking, but we just aren't. He doesn't even try to talk to me. He leaves the room if I enter, or he'll go out of his way to just not talk. It's weird. And I don't know how to describe it. **shrugs** So I guess I'll leave that alone.

Have I complained about my severe case of writer's block in here yet? I obsess over it in my composition journal. It's driving me even further into my insanity. I haven't been able to write in months, but if feels like years. I don't know why my emotions aren't flowing as easily as they used to. Maybe it's because I'm really not having any emotions. Like I said before, they've cancled out and now my emotions=0. Which isn't always a bad thing. But in the case of my writing, my art, it is.

Everything has been going gre... good friend-wise though. Heh. Brandon and Jen fought over me yesterday. ;-) That was fun. I wanted to work with both of them, but Jen ended up winning the argument. Brandon got mad, but the two of them made up. So it's all good.

I've been reading the book Sabriel, recommended to me by Stephen (who is now in charge of everything I read... lol.). I really love this book. When I'm finished with the whole thing, I'll be sure to do a post about it.

 **looks back at previous paragraph and questions whether she spelt the title of the book correctly or not**

My arm stings.

Heh. Enjoy my mind and all its randomness.

Goodnight.
'Steeni

Oh yeah. I updated my profile a bit. :-)

We got our ID cards today. I hate those things. I do not see the point in having to wear them.

At least my picture looks a hell of a lot better this year than it did last year. I know my friends like to lie to me (hehe), but Stephanie was saying how wonderful I look in that picture and Stephen's like, "That's not a bad picture of you, actually."

Ha. Ha. Ha. These people all drive me crazy. But I love them so. ;-)

Yesterday, I was talking to my mother (as I so often do) in the kitchen. I was sitting on the floor (I like to sit on the floor. I like to sleep on the floor. I don't know why, I'm just... weird) and I was staring at my reflection in the oven door. My mom's telling me something, and out of nowhere I say, "God. I look like a freaking crack whore."

I am aware this is an odd ending to an entry. But how do I follow that?

I don't remember subject-ing my previous entry as "at least."

I'm trying to remember if that was a mistake, if it had some double meaning, or if I really wanted that to be the subject of the entry.

We had to prepare our answer booklet today for the PLAN test that we are required to take on Tuesday.

We had to fill out the usual info needed for standardized tests, you know, "Fill in name. Bubble in the corresponding ovals." "Fill in grade. Bubble in the corresponding ovals," etc.

It's always the same thing, year after year. It's so monotonous. Did I spell that right? I'm losing all sense of vocabulary. *sighs* Anywho, when I got to the "Ethnicity/Race" question, instead of putting the usual, I bubbled in the "I prefer not to say" oval.

Besides the fact that I have never seen this option before and decided it would be a good way to break monotony, I wanted to see what would happen if I put that down. This little test (hah. It's three fucking hours long) that I'm going to be taking on Tuesday will send my results to all these different colleges. These colleges can then decide to send me information about themselves.

I'm curious. I want to know if my "prefer not to say" would affect my chances in any way of receiving certain information from certain schools.

I also find my having to actually take this test a little ironicly funny. I'm not going to college. Blah.

Actually, I really don't know what I'm doing. I have time to decide, don't I?

They put too much pressure on us.

---'Steeni

Anyone know how to cure writers' block? This isn't just any regular block, mind you, this is a block that has been a hindrance for quite a while now... a few months...

Any suggestions?

Thank you to everyone who gave me suggestions about my ANNOYING block. :-) ;-) I shall put your advice to good use, I promise.

I finished reading Sabriel today, and that book was amazing. I loved it.

Is it just me, or is the double space gone? I have to keep hitting the enter key twice again. I'd grown so accustomed to getting angry every time I pressed enter. Hmm.

I did think about an entry topic, then decided maybe I shouldn't write about it yet. So... **suspense**

Hehe.

Much love,

*Steeni

You said "I love you," then left in a rush. In my hesitation, I didn't-- I couldn't-- dare to reply.

Fuuuun. x_x.

Anyway, Jen wasn't in school today. So, as we've discussed through Mindsay comments, she missed nothing but my outfit. And shame on her for that (I still love ya sweetie.)!

I nominated Court's entry tonight because she mentioned me. And any entry mentioning *Steeni Lee should receive Top Blog honors, of course.

I've had the greatest urge to draw lines up and down my arms. Not necessarily cut, though, but just take a pen and literally draw lines. However, if I keep this vision running in my head, I do eventually see myself pushing down on the pen harder and harder...

People have been talking about Homecoming non-stop. I would go if I had someone to go with. But I don't, because no one wants to go with me. :-( And I don't want to be without someone to dance with. :-(

Therefore, I probably will be having an Anti-Homecoming party. The party people will consist of Jen and I, the only two people not going to Homecoming. Haha.

Anti-Writer's Block Exercise #1: Words that Rhyme:

*rhyme *time *dime *slime *lime *mime *enzyme

*cat *mat *that (or dat) *sat *fat (or phat) *spat *knat *stat *brat *sap

*blue *you *shoe * too *to *two *do * few *screw *moo *foofoo *stew

*trace *pace *mase *case *face *race

*Steeni-beenie-banana-fanna-fo-feenie-Steeni!!!!!!!!!!

Ah. Enlightening.

By the end of the school day, I was pretty pissed. But for no reason. Just being at school makes me angry. Heh. When I got on the bus, I wasn't really in the best of moods. So that made the bus ride interesting:

This girl Angela was listening to her CD player, and this girl Laura asked her what she was listening to. Angela replied, "Evanescence," and Laura said, "Ew. I hate Evanescence. I'd rather die than listen to Evanescence."

1- I don't care if people don't listen to Evanescence. I have just as many non-Evanescence fan friends as I do Evanescence fan friends. But to say you'd rather die than listen to...? I mean, c'mon, I absolutely hate Justin Timberlake, but faced with listening to his CD or death, I'll choose listening to his CD.

2- I really don't like this Laura girl, anyway.

So, with all that in mind (plus the fact I was in a semi-bad mood), as I was getting off the bus, I walked passed her and slapped her. **gives innocent smile**

I'm not going to school tomorrow, as I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. Not an emotional or a nervous breakdown, just a mental breakdown. All my creative frustration is getting in the way of my concentration, and I haven't been able to clearly focus on my schoolwork like I used to. I'm hoping that tomorrow I can be all artistic and then I will have my creative fix, and then I won't be worrying that I have ADHD anymore. Heh.

I usually don't like to miss school because I don't like to not be there when people need me. But people leave me all the time; Jen was gone yesterday, Stephen was gone today, and Brandon was gone for about a week earlier, so... PAYBACK BITCHES. Haha. I love you all anyway. :-) But it'll be nice to get off of school for a day.

Oh yeah. I also have a lot... a lot of homework due tomorrow that I haven't done. That may be part of my excuse. Hehe.

Feeling: Hyper but tired.

Listening: "Foolish Games" by Jewel.

Leesha wrote about me 3 TIMES in her blog today! Yay!
But... Jen also mentioned me 3 times today... so now someone has to outdo someone!! lol. I feel so loved.

Nominations for both of you. :-)

Jeeze, I miss one day here on Mindsay, and I feel like I've missed out on everyone's lives.

More later.

This goes along with Jen's entry:

My  computer has caught the Sasser Worm virus or whatever, which basically is a virus that shuts down your computer after you've been on it for a little bit. That is why I've been on my parents' computer (which does not have AIM, which I am not allowed to download on here). I found that there is no saving my computer, and that in order to get rid of the virus, we must COMPLETELY DESTROY everything that's on there!!

My computer is actually very old; 6 years. It has never once crashed on me, it has never once given me any real major trouble. That thing is my baby.

Yeah, my main problem with crashing my computer is not that all the graphics I created will be forever lost. I reasoned with myself that I could always make them again. I know that years, years of stupid documents with so much sentimental value to me (and now that I'm typing this, I'm actually remembering that there are a lot more irreplaceable things then I thought before) will be gone, but I suppose I could live with that.

No, my main problem is that all the pre-Fallen Evanescence songs that I've had for a few years will be gone. My Evan songs will be gone.

Are you people hearing me??? My songs will be gone!

So in an attempt to completely save whatever little is left of my sanity, Jen offered me her old CD burner that she doesn't need.

Jen came over today, and we attempt to install the damn thing, but a piece is missing or something... or it won't connect right, or whatever...

Well, that definitely put a damper on things. But, hey (!), at least we had a little fun at my boring place.

I've just got to figure out something to do...

**ahem** I love you all like a fat kid loves cake.

The End.

After threats of (what I think was a) tropical storm Bonnie and Hurricane Charley, but seeing absolutely nothing;  after only having slight effects of Hurricanes Frances and Ivan, we've finally been hit directly.

Luckily, Hurricane Jeanne was a weak hurricane (it was even downgraded to a tropical storm), or the damage would have been much, much worse, but... nonetheless, we were still directly hit.

I was without power all day.. since... well, before 6am. It flickered on at around 10 to 5pm, but only stayed on for a few seconds; then quickly flickered off again. It came back fully a little before 6, but, even now, it's still flickering a little.

And because whoever built this house was retarded, our front porch is slightly on an angle. Therefore, the way the rain kept hitting the porch, well... the water came through our front door, and soaked part of our carpet. When I say soaked, I mean soaked.

It's been raining all day. ALL DAY. It's still raining... and I haven't freaking danced in any of it... **tears**.

There was nothing to do at all except listen to the ever-constant "Hurricane Jeanne Updates" on the radio, run around the house, and eat.

Blah. I ate all fucking day. Every two minutes, I swear I had food in my mouth.

That's so disgusting. I hate when I eat like that... it reminds me of when I was a binge eater.

**cheesy flashback music plays**
Back in the time of my life I so endearingly refer to as "The Depressed Years" (actually, I've never labeled those years of my life before. Hah. I shall refer to those years as The Depressed Years from now on...) I had a small bout with different eating disorders.

At first, I was anorexic. It started off with me being really picky about what I ate, until I just stopped eating all together.  This really didn't last long at all; my mother started getting on my case (like any mother would.) To make her happy, I told her that I was "finally hungry today" and would eat a sandwich. I couldn't finish the whole thing, and I felt really gross after eating the little bit I did. I even felt sick; nauseous. I wanted this feeling to go away, so I went to the bathroom and willed myself to throw up.

I realized that this way I could please my mother and myself at the same time. I could eat, she'd be happy; I could just puke it back up, it wouldn't be in my system.

Being bulimic didn't last long with me either. I think I was having difficulty throwing up one day, and I thought "maybe if I eat more, it could come up easier." This was the day my bulimia ended and I became a binge eater.

I was a binge eater for about a year. I just constantly ate... all the time. I'd eat when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was mad, when I was bored. I gained a lot of weight from this, a lot of which I've lost now, however. But I still have these food issues, because whenever I think I've eaten to much one day, I try not to eat at all the next day. I only do this though when I seriously eat way more in one day than anyone should be eating, which isn't very often.

**sighs, wonders how her hurricane entry turned into another little history lesson on her life**

Much love,
*Steeni

^^^thanks Alicja!!

Hah. I have no school again tomorrow. Go me.

It's a good thing too, because I had an essay due for Mr. Hundley tomorrow that I haven't even begun. We were told to find a picture of ourselves and then write and essay on it. Tell the story behind the picture. Be detailed.

I don't know why this is so hard for me. The pictures that I want to use... have no story. The ones that have a story... I don't want to tell.

Blah. I might make up a story about me being abducted by aliens or something...

--- *steeni

Feeling: Tired

Listening: Seether "Sold Me"

It's night. It's dark. Everything almost looks familiar-- almost. She tries to alter her thought patterns; tries to will her mind to believe that she really is back where she once was. Logically, it wouldn't make sense for her to want to be back there, but at this moment, anything rational doesn't matter to her. She tries so hard... so hard to believe she is back home... but though it looks similar, something is so different. The atmosphere... the environment... whatever it is, it's so different that she knows it'll never ever be the same again. How can it be? It can't. Are you listening??? It can never be the same.

But she knows this. So why does she keep looking for something else? Everything is here for her, everyone does all they can, and she just can't accept anything. Why? Why? She never was what she is today, and what she used to be can never exist again. Why would she want it to be like it was? Why can't she understand this is what she has now?

Why can't she just let go of everything?

All she ever wanted was to start over. And she did. And now she's lost. What happened to her? She's staring out this window, trying to make something make sense. It's not. Nothing makes sense. It's never going to again. There's no point in trying to change again, it's not going to make a difference to anyone. It will only leave her yearning for what was once before.

She's so lost, so desperate, so fucking stupid and now she doesn't know what to do...

Because now there's nothing she can do. Nothing.

I of course would've replied to Jen's entry and told her this, but I can't do that at the moment.

Thanks Court for worrying about me. :-)
And love to Leesha as well.

My grandmother (this would be my dad's mom) is coming down from Jersey tomorrow and is staying for a week.

I wish I loved my family. Then I'd be happy... but a whole freaking week? I mean, c'mon!!!

I'd say more, but I have a lot of catching up to do.

Much love.

Grandma came down today. She took us out to Olive Garden. That was nice of her. I ate enough food to last me a week.

I went to check my email, and there was only something from TL there. No one emails me. **tears**

(----> *Steeni's email is so jmancini11@gmail.com )

I seriously am going to go crazy if my father does not cave in and let me download AIM to put on here. He is so anal about certain things; it's so annoying.

Hmm. Why is Mindsay not letting me reply to any of Sarah's entries? It's also not letting me reply to Court's most recent one. MINDSAY, DAMN YOU. I NEED TO REPLY TO THESE PEOPLE'S ENTRIES!!!! They need to know I love them and care about what's going on in their lives!!!!! **growls** <~ Wow. I'm not always this vicious, honestly, I'm not. Hehe. I think I'll go try to reply again. :-)

Much love,

*Steeni

I don't know why you bother asking. The answer will always be "nothing," and a shrug.

"What's wrong?"

...

"Nothing."
-------------------------------------------------

It's the last week of the quarter, and it's also Homecoming week, so it's quite stressful. Everyone's trying to be all hyper and excited, while teachers are trying to cram in last minute tests in effort to have more grades for us. More chances to fail! Yay!!! **roll eyes**

I managed to bring my C in Algebra II back up to an A. It was originally a 98 A, I missed 2 assignments, and it dropped to a 79 C. I don't know how the hell that happened, but it did. However, I saw my updated grade today, and it's raised back up to a 97.6 (or whatever) A. So that's good. As far as I know, I'll have straight A's... again. Woop-de-doo.

I apologize for not replying to anyone's entries yesterday. But, eh, I don't have an excuse. But you shall forgive me anyway. Yes. But I shall do so tonight.

I have a 50 question vocab quiz in English on Thursday. It's a review test over all the other three vocab units we've done. I think 50 questions is far too many.

Algebra 2 quiz tomorrow, test on Thursday. Since it's a test made by Tigue, I'm assuming some hard questions.

Biology test on... Wednesday. My teacher's better not surprise me with anymore tests, either. I'll refuse to take them. REFUSE.

Love and hugs,
~> *Steeni

So I'm getting things from all these random topics... and I want to get some astrology trivia

Every single freaking astrology website is blocked by my school.

The reason?

The Websense category "Non-Traditional Religions and Occult and Folklore" is filtered.

Yes.

My school is retarded.

Hmm. As an afterthought, I probably should have stated that "Websense" is the thing that blocks websites at our school. And my school seems to think that astrology is either "non-traditional religion," "occult," or "folklore."

And there is no reason why any of these things should be banned anyway.

Due to my brother's late night baseball game, I wasn't able to go online last night. But I did update a bit in school yesterday, so I guess it's all okay then. :-)

I've got so much to write... but ever since I've been on my parents' computer I've found I haven't been able to write easily. It's almost as if I'm censoring myself, though I hate to be censored at all.

I don't know what to talk about. What did I want to talk about yesterday...? I know there was something I wanted to mention, but I just can't remember it.

I was in a real down mood today. Super freak-out mood. It got to a point where I was considering throwing out my safety pin because every fucking mark I was making on my skin wasn't deep enough.

I just got so mad because I don't think I have a reason to feel like I was. I know one of the reasons I started cutting was because I was just so sad and depressed; constantly crying. I was nine, I didn't really have a full understanding of things, I suppose. When I was really little, and if I'd bump my head or hit my elbow or whatever, my father would always tell me "It's not bleeding, stop your crying." So when I got a little older and started feeling these things that I didn't quite understand yet, I felt as if I shouldn't be crying. I wasn't bleeding. Why should I be crying? Daddy always told me that was wrong. I mean, in the mind of a 9 year old, this all makes sense. So I had to make myself bleed. I had to justify my tears.

Somethings just stick with you, I guess.

**shrugs** I did stop cutting for three years when I moved here. I just started again last year, when I was 14. Just fell back in habit.... but all of you probably know this already. Most of you. I started blogging not much longer after that.

I'm feeling better now, though.

Much love,

*Steeni

Feeling: Better, like I said.
Listening: Fefe Dobson, "We Went for a Ride" ... on repeat.

I remember what I wanted to say yesterday. Hehe:

When I was at my brother's baseball game Tuesday night, I made sure to spray myself with bug spray. The bugs love to eat me. (Heh, it's because the bugs thing I'm so sexy, and they all just want me so bad...) I sprayed just the bottom part of my legs (because my skirt was covering the top part) and then I sprayed my arms. No need to spray anything else, right? I mean, I'm covered up everywhere else.

Turns out, the bugs wanted me so much that they insisted on flying up my skirt without my knowledge; I now have a few bug bites on my butt. Pleasant. ;-)

--*Steeni

I haven't been on Mindsay for two nights in a row and I feel as though I have dropped off the face of the earth.

But never fear! For *SL is... back!!! Yay-ness.

I did have this long, long entry planned in my head, but Leesha is keeping me busy on AIM... **sighs** (ah, she knows I love her!!)

My grandmother left early yesterday morning; without saying good-bye to me. How nice of her.

((Ah, Leesha left me. **restrains her tears**))

Many hours after the departure of my grandmother, my 'rents, brothers and I hopped in the car and we drove to Jen's house. Jen was accompying us to Lou's baseball game. We had a good time, Lou's team lost by 1 point, Lou was pissed the rest of the night. Poor kid, he did good.

When we returned home, Jen and I dolled ourselves up a bit for our Anti-Not-Having-A-Date-To-Homecoming party. We had fun. You know you are a loser when you decide to throw on the Backstreet Boys' greatest hits CD. But not only do you decide to play this CD, you sing along to all the songs. Not only do you do this, but then you start applying these lyrics to your life and you realize that you can actually relate to these BSB lyrics. That amuses me. Hahahahaha.

We watched Donnie Darko, stayed up until 4am, got out of bed near 10-ish. Jen stayed until 4pm, we had a good time, I believe.

Remind me to talk about what's going on with my computer in a later entry, please.

I shall end this entry with:

Jamie, I don't care what you believe. Because your beliefs clash terribly with mine.

)) Edit: Leesha said I can't make out with her boyfriend. Puh-leeze. **wink** ((

In a cynically sarcastic mood, listening to the FUCKING AWESOME "Pain" by Jimmy Eat World.

Brandon broke his promise and didn't come to school today. :-( He better be here tomorrow or I shall be extremely upset. I sat in his seat today in History; which will become my new seat once he's **sniff** gone. My little tribute to his memory, I suppose.

Speaking of Brandon, my previous post has been turned into a friends-only post. It was a little stupid of me to just share part of his life with everyone; but I needed you all to know some background information so I could explain my feelings.

Jamie called me immature today, because I called her "stupid" in a reply to one of Mastro's entries, and I apparently called her a whore in another reply. Now, I use to word whore all the time (Like, "It's an apple, whore!" Hmm... or, "It's an apple whore!" Hah, there is a difference!! I talk to my mom and say, "Hey ho!" I constantly call myself a crackwhore) so I eventually admitted I did call her one, though I couldn't remember doing so. Turns out, I did call her a whore. Hah. Jesus fucking christ, lighten up a bit. I call everyone a whore. Right Leesha??? (Ha, Leesha, you know I love you!!!)

Yeah, so, anyway, I'm immature, but here she comes marching right up to me during lunch and starts shouting at me... because that's SUCH A MATURE WAY TO HANDLE A CONVERSATION!!! lol. I walked away, for I do not feel like arguing with this chick, I dont' care about her, I don't want to talk to her... you betray my trust and I won't ever care for you ever again. Ever. So, she calls me immature and then she's like, "Oh, so you're gonna walk away now?" or something like that... I didn't pay much attention.

It's funny though. After so many people heard what happened, they're like, "You should have decked her," or "Ugh, why don't you just fucking punch her and make us all happy?" I just stare at them, saying, "This isn't a big deal." I mean, Jamie and I get into a huge fight once a year, but this time, it's our last.

And she can't say anything to insult me, for I can do it for her. Wow, Jamie, look, I'm so stupid, not only am I a whore, I'm a crack whore, I'm such a bitch, oooie, Justine's a cunt, such chicken shit...

Hmm. Anyone want to help me think of more? C'mon, help me out here. Hahahaha. I am so amused. Hahahaha.

I greatly apologize for this high school melodrama entry, but, nothing else is worth writing at the moment. Hah. Nothing else is making me laugh as hard right now. Hah.

Actually, it's quite pathetic that this is all I can talk about at the moment....

<3 *Steeni (aka The Steen Machine)

• I have very good ideas running in my head right now, but damn that writers' block to hell, my stupid pencil won't convey these words to paper.
• Brandon came to school today. Yay. We took pictures (because we both conviently brought cameras with us to school today). He says he might actually stay until the 26. I hope he stays that long. If not... well, Friday might be his last day. :-(
• Mikey! I nominated you and you won a spot on the top blogs!! Yay!
• I've had this layout for so long now, it's so ugly to me. But I can't change it unless I get on my compuer. And my computer... needs lots of help. Blah.
• Actually, I may change it anyway. So you might need to ignore the previous bullet.
• I probably forgot a bunch of stuff, but, hey, I blame the writers' block.

Lunch just isn't the same without him

...

If Brandon weren't idle right now, I'd IM him to confirm this, but...

... he apparently isn't moving tomorrow. Which is good. **happy face**

Stephen came to school today. What the hell? He hasn't been here all week and he decides to come on  a Friday... that's kinda stupid but... oh well. Lol.

I have a lot of homework to do this weekend, and this I am blaming on procrastination. :-)

breathenomore 15: can you make some one not a loser?
SmarterChild: I could.
breathenomore 15: well, Brandon's a loser.
SmarterChild: Brandon is a loser? Tell me more.
breathenomore 15: He won't IM me back.
SmarterChild: I can't believe he won't IM you back.
breathenomore 15: I know, right?
breathenomore 15: Make him not be a loser!!!!!!
SmarterChild: [Service too busy]
breathenomore 15: Make Brandon talk to me, damn it!
SmarterChild: Make Brandon Talk to you?
breathenomore 15: yes!
SmarterChild: Why is that?
breathenomore 15: Brandon won't instant message me. Therefore, he is being a loser. Make him... not be a loser.
SmarterChild: Uh... what was that?
breathenomore 15: I want Brandon!!!!!
SmarterChild: You can't always get what you want.
breathenomore 15: Yes I can!
SmarterChild: If you say so.
breathenomore 15: You are no help.

Ah, Brandon's not even online anymore! **screams in frustration**

Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm done now... lol.

... he's not moving.

Yes, that's right people. Brandon is not, I repeat, not moving.

YAY!!!!!

lol. I'm glad, for now, I can talk about all the other things that are going on in my life. Like:

Oh, wait. Nope. Nothing else. My mistake.

I did have a poem that I wrote a few nights ago that I wanted to post in here, but all of a sudden I do not feel like posting it. I get so weird with everything I write. I may like it when I write it, but I always reread it, and then feel like throwing it away because it's so bad. It's cheesy, it's corny, it's not making sense; whatever the reason may be. It always gets worse. **shakes head at herself**

Everything I wanted to talk about in this entry tonight, I cannot remember. Therefore, I shall now start writing down thoughts as the day goes on under the title "For Mindsay". Then, I shouldn't have much trouble getting an entry out. :-) I would take excerpts from my written journal, but the things I talked about in there today, I don't feel like sharing at the moment.

So here's to a better entry tomorrow...

--*SL

I haven't cut since the 6th. Not that I keep track, I just happened to write about it last time in my written journal, but I usually don't write about it.

And not that I've been necessarily been trying to stop again either, but I figured some would find this an accomplishment.

So, I said that, in order for me to have a nice entry regarding the things I want to talk about, it would be essential for me to take notes throughout the day.

So I did (click on the thumbnail for full view... I had to crop and grayscale the original a bit b/c it was too big for the damn photobucket):

Ahem. Now, I can actually type an entry. :-)

1. Had Chapter 2 test today in Algebra II, and it confused me to no end. And I was actually one of the kids who understood the chapter. I have on idea what I got on it.

2. We have to do a report in my English class (Hundley's) about our ancestral background and our hertiage. He says that interviews with our family is essential to the report. Now, Mr. Hundely, I don't like anyone in my family. My family typically doesn't get along. What am I supposed to do for that? I'm not going to call them.

The funny thing is, I'm doing my report about my dad's heritage, and I'm not asking him about it. My dad and I don't talk much. I ask my mom, "What do you know about daddy's side of the family?" Hah. Amusement.

3. I was super hyper at lunch today. I know in my notes it says "***explain story... maybe***" but, quite honestly, I really dont' know why I was so hyper; I dont' know why I kept laughing, so... there's no story here to explain. Sorry to disappoint. :-)

Ah, but Mastro has a story on her blog; the results of my hyperness. What fun.

4. In 5th period, we had an orientation about the Bright Futures scholarships; the same freaking orientation we have three times a year. This boringness lead Luana and I to pass notes to eachother. She and I had a few pages, but, hey, I've taken full advantage of my parents scanner, and I decided to scan the last page, when Brandon stole the note and began writing to us as well. The only real purpose in this is... well, there is no purpose. But I was still hyper!!! Hyper!!!

Click on thumbnail for larger view (once the image loads, you  may have to rest your cursor on it and wait for the "expand image" thing to appear and click on that to see everything clearly):

I'm the one writing in the blue pen, Luana... she's the one with the black pen, and Brandon...well, Brandon wrote his name in front of the two things he wrote. Because he's weird. lol. And I typed like 4 comments and added them on the page; I'm sure you can tell which those are. :-)

Hmm... yeah, I think that's all for now. :-)

Much Love.

I did take notes for today, but I don't feel like scanning them. Also, I no longer feel like taking notes for Mindsay.

But, there are two three things worth mentioning.

1. I am talking to Brandon on AIM. Yay!
2. (2 and 3 both deal with second period.) We were in the media center, researching genealogy, and  I went on to ancestry.com. Some kid had signed on the site previously, and registered an account, (this kid's name apparently was Bryan Colton). Well, stupid Bryan did not sign out of his account, so... heh heh... I decided to change some things. **innocent smile** Not that he'll log in to the account again, 1, because I changed the password on him, and 2, because he probably does not need to ever log into the site ever again. But that's okay. I had fun.
3. This girl, who I've never ever met before, I don't even think I've ever seen her around, came and sat next to me when I was on the computer. She looked at me and said, "You're the chick that wrote the article on Evanescence last year, aren't you?" So I say, "Yeah." And she said, "I love you." And I'm like, "Thank you." I was very surprised people other than Jen, TL, and Mastro read the article. lol. Especially people that I don't know. **shrugs** I just don't know how she knew that was me.

Hmm. Brandon stopped talking to me. lol.

Brandon: Am I good looking enough to be a model, honestly?  If I get nice, white, fake teeth?

breathenomore 15: Yes, Brandon, you would be one of the hottest models...ever.

Oh, he's talking to me again. Yay. lol. That's not really Brandon's screenname by the way; don't try IM-ing him. He's one of those people who hate his screenname being given out, so I decided to be nice and not post his screen name here. :-)

Much love!

**desperately searches for money... from the losers in her 3rd period**

I am feeling so entirely blah. Therefore... BLAH!

---*Steeni

PS: For those that do not live in the Tampa Bay area and have no idea what the hell the "Next Big Thing 4" is, well:

"97X PRESENTS:
NEXT BIG THING 4
11 HOURS OF NEW ROCK
COACHMAN PARK-CLEARWATER
RAIN OR SHINE/NO COOLERS
SUN DEC 5 2004 GTS 10AM"

And who's going? I'm going. Erica's going. Jen's going. We've got the ride. We just need the money.

Here's the line-up:

• Sum 41 (!!!!!)
• The Used (!!!!!)
• Story of the Year (Ew. I am not a fan. Sorry.)
• Taking Back Sunday (Woo-hoo!)
• Lost Prophets (They are so hot!)
• My Chemical Romance (Yay!)
• Lit (They are soooo not new)
• Skindred (Eh... iffy on them)
• Coheed and Cambria (My fucking obsession!!!)
• The Music (Who?)
• Crooked Edge (Local Band)

Truthfully, the one reason I really, really want to go is to see Co&Ca. But the rest of the line-up is like a nice little perk.

--Edit: This entry gets kind of immature for a bit near the end. You've been warned.--

Wooie. I've got money for The Next Big Thing 4. Yay. Had to pull some strings (can we say "early Christmas present" everyone?), but... yay.

In much less lighter news, my grandmother (mother's mom) stopped by today. I'm going to amuse you all with the comments that came out of this woman's mouth:

She greets me with a "Wow! You're getting thinner!"
I suppose this comment wouldn't really bother me much if I didn't know that every freaking compliment that comes out of tihs woman's mouth is such a lie.  Grr.

Anyway, after she tells me this. She's says, "Are you eating? Or are you just slimming?" I was confused by her questions. Um, no, does it look like i have food in my mouth? My mom understands what her mother is saying, and she speaks for me. "No, no, she eats."

Oh.
I got it then. My grandmother was questioning whether or not I was fucking anorexic. What the hell? I don't fucking look anorexic, at all. Why the hell would you even insinuate such a thing?

Later, my grandmother looks at me and says, "Oh, you look so pretty." Then she turns in my mom's direction and says, "Soon she'll be beautiful like she used to be when she was little."

Like she used to be? What the fuck? Okay, yeah, I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I"m not fucking super ugly either. Yes, Grandma, let's hope that I go back to being "beautiful" again.

And then (!!!) my grandmother goes, "Soon, boys will start to like you."

OH MY FUCKING GOD!  What????? Apparently I'm not pretty enough yet for boys to like me. Apparently, since I don't look like a model, I'm going to be fucking lonely forever, aren't I? What the hell is wrong with this woman?

I never really replied to anything she said. I just kind of ignored her. I don't know if that's what I should've done. But that's what I did.

Damn woman pisses me off so much. She said a bunch of other shit, but I realize that thinking about what she said only makes me angry, when I shouldn't even let it bother me in the first place.

---'Steeni

Feeling: Like I shouldn't let stupid shit get to me

Listening: to The Offspring, "Gone Away"

I haven't been on in awhile. Shit. Don't bother telling me, Court, I know I must've lost major cool points.

I thought I was online on Monday, but now I'm not sure I was. I know I wasn't online Saturday night, my brother had a baseball game. I was on Sunday, but possibly not Monday. Probably had a bunch of homework or something. On Tuesday, my brother had a baseball game, so I wasn't on. Yesterday, I came home late from a lovely family Halloween/grocery shopping trip at Wal-Mart, and I had homework to do.

Tonight, I do indeed have homework, but I really don't give a damn about school, so... I'll put it off as long as I can. I'll probably do it tomorrow morning.

When my brother's "Fall Ball" season is over, I'll be back to a regular, every night online schedule again. I think.

Though I won't be on Saturday. Not only does Lou have a baseball game, but then I have to rush home and get dressed for Erica's Halloween party. Then, Sunday is Halloween, and I'll be out getting free candy, so I won't be on then either. I intend to get free candy for as long as I can pull it off. Hey, I'm kinda short. It could work.

If you suddenly get comments from me about entries you wrote days ago, don't be worried. It's just me trying to catch up.

So now for randomness from the past few days:

• I am reading Guilty Pleasures, I know the book sounds naughty, but it's not. It deals with vampires and such. Yay. It's really good, and it's part of a series. Of course, Stephen's the one who recommended it to me. Hell, he even lent the book to me. No trips to the library for this chick, no siree.
• Speaking of Stephen, he hasn't been eating lunch with me lately. He goes and eats with his other friends, dont' know who the hell they are, in the Junior/Senior Lounge. I don't understand. I thought they were supposed to do ID checks to get in there...? Stephen's ID clearly labels him a sophomore. But whatever. It doesn't bother me. Really. Well, not much. It's just that now we don't really talk as much as we used to. And I have a small hunch that he's worried that I'm mad at him. Which I'm not.
• School sucks, I hate it, and I swear, the second I turn 16, I'm out. Screw my straight A's, yeah, okay, I'm fucking up my future, but whatever. I'll work at McDonald's for the rest of my life. I don't care.
• Yes I do. I don't even really like McDonald's. I don't eat burgers. I do like some McDonald's breakfasts. But I hardly eat there, ever. That stuff is real unhealthy.
• I'm so going to make a new layout for this thing within the next month.
• I've been testy lately. If everyone left me alone, this wouldn't be a problem.
• Hah. And then I go from having this short spurts of anger, to completely blowing it off and laughing about it. But most of the time, I'm really, really apathetic.
• Wow. This entry is reminding me of a bunch of complaints. And I hate complaints. Especially when they're my complaints. I have nothing to complain about.

I feel like the more and more I type, the less and less people understand me. I'm a very complicated person to understand. It's my crazy personality. =)

I feel like I'm not making any sense. This is probably a really long entry. Good night.

Thanks to Courtney replying yesterday and saying she didn't know I had a brother, well, here's two links to two entries I wrote back in July. One was an entry titled, "50 Random Things About Me", an idea I stole from Cas. Right. Because I have no originality whatsoever, and Cas is full of it. Then, 4 days later, I did "More Random Facts About Me", just because I thought the idea was so fun.

50 Random Things About Me
More Random Facts

Funny how the majority of that still applies.

Plans for tomorrow: Do nothing all day. Go to Lou's baseball game at 6:30pm-7-ish. Get home after 8:30pm. Get changed into Halloween costume. Go to Erica's house for her costume party.

I wanted to stay until Midnight, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. Oh well. I'll stay to 11 then. Bah.

I'm not planning on going to school on Monday. I have to much homework I've neglected. But hey, I might suprise myself. Maybe I'll go. Or maybe I'll just do my homework. Who knows? Life is mysterious. (Hahahah, Mastro. I know you got that.)

<3 <3 <3

PS, directed to Jen: GET 25 BUCKS TO ME ON MONDAY. The 97x Van will be at Wal-Mart at 5. We can get tickets without a service charge. Yippie.

I am now going to stalk Courtney.

... with her permission, of course.

But, I'll catch up with that tomorrow. Too lazy. Me. Yes. Anywho, remember a while back I said I wrote a poem but didn't feel like posting it because I thought it was no good? Well, dear readers, Sarah has informed me that it is good enough for her. So if it is good enough for her, then it should be good enough for the rest of you:

Underestimated the power
Bow down, obey the master
What now? It's all wrong
But it's too early to say so long
Drenched with kerosene, your kiss...
...sparked a flame, the lust of lips
Breathe into you, we'll make this right
I'm insecure but it's all right
Can't you see the beauty behind my eyes?

Somewhere along the way we lost it all
Hardly time to get up before the next fall
And I'm falling over and over again
Leave this here, and you'll never learn,
We'll never begin
I didn't know I'd drown completely
With this mask you think I'm lovely
But without the make-up, I'm so ugly
Tears are stored deep inside
Do you believe in the beauty behind my eyes?

Isn't she the one?
Isn't she the queen?
But who the hell ever made you king?
Excuse me, my glasses are cloudy
My view is a little hazy
I wont' let you break me
You look too confused
I know there's no point, and I'm the used,
But habits are strong, what else can I do?
It will be okay
Maybe
Eventually

It's so dark, it's late at night
Questioning the beauty behind my eyes

So many times I've run, can no longer hide
Search for the beauty behind my eyes

I think I've found an answer, could it be right?
It seems there's hidden beauty...
...Deeply hidden beauty...
Behind my eyes.

That actually makes a lot more sense if you knew some of the stories behind that. And maybe some of you do.

<3 <3 <3 *Steeni
 

This is to catch everyone up on what I've done the past five or so days. Maybe. I don't know. It seems pretty pointless to now talk about this past weekend, but hey, what the hell, I can talk about it anyway.

Saturday (Oct. 30):

1. Lou lost his baseball game. He, himself, did a good job. Just, as a whole, his team didn't do well enough to win. It didn't help that one of the kids on the opposing team kept hitting home runs. No one on Lou's team has ever done that, nor do I believe that had the ability to do so even if they tried.
2. I came home from the game, 9 pm-ish. I called Erica, told her I would come as soon as I was ready. She was having a Halloween party. It started at 7, but, being the good sister that I am, said I absolutely had to attend Lou's game, but I'll come later. That's what I did.
   
   I arrived at Erica's house before 9:30. Everyone was in her room; they were about to watch a movie. I enter her room, and, whoa, I am so the only person in a costume. Everyone originally came in a costume, but, hey, they had already gotten sick of them and taken them off. I guess that's the problem with arriving over an hour late.
   
   Lets see. Besides myself and Erica, Sara, Dan and Jess were there. These people I knew. That was good. Then, I was met Erica's boyfriend (who, after all this time they've been dating, I'd never seen before Saturday night), Kevin, and his two friends, Mike and Scott.
   
   We were all basically on top of each other. Erica's room is really, really small. Hell, Scott was laying on top of Jess, Dan, and Sara, all of whom were on the bed. Mike was next to me, I was next to Erica, who was next to Kevin. Both Erica and Mike were at times on me, but, hey, you have to make do with the space provided. Scott suggested we have one great big orgy.
   
   We were watching some retarded movie at first, the only highlight of it was the lesbian porn part. Erica and I jumped up and said, "Damn, that is hot!" Is it just the guys I know, or do all guys love it when straight girls say that girl on girl action is hot?
   
   We eventually decided that, after the sex scene was over, the rest of the movie was pretty pointless. We turned on Halloween H20, and I left around 11. Yeah. I was the last to arrive, first to leave. Make an entrance, make an exit.

Sunday (Halloween):

• Terri came over, and she drove me crazy. I was thisclose to kicking her out of my house. But then I calmed down a bit. She knows that she can only bug me for an hour. Then I get used to her nonsense. lol.
• I had this long black wig that I wore. I wore normal clothing (black spaghetti strap shirt and black skirt), and put fake blood all over my chest, arms, and both wrists. I even put the blood under my eyes, and it looked as though I was crying blood. It was hot. I was really a specific thing, I just thought I looked cool. Terri went as Miss Teen USA. We didn't coordinate, but we didn't exactly clash either. Then we went trick-or-treating. Which is fun. Some people though, thought I was too damn old to be trick-or-treating. Well, fuck you. I want my candy. And they gave it to me. =)

I'll update about the rest later.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ouch.

I'm through.

And since I love the combination of bright orange and lime green, I thought, hey, why not?

1. I don't care.

2. I don't know what to type about.

Brandon and I are having a conversation right now, which is good. For the past week or so, I've been feeling that whenever I try to talk to him... I feel like I bother him. Luana said she felt the same way, too. So she and I have been, I dont' know, kind of weary of whatever we say around him, I guess? It's so retarded, I shouldn't feel like that, I know. I've known Brandon for...... well, going on 5 years. Granted, we just became really close friends last year, but I hate how I feel like he doesnt' want to talk to me. I hate how I feel like I bother him. **shakes head**

But, Friday and today, Brandon's been making like (what I view as) more of an effort to talk to me, as if he somehow knew I was feeling this way. In actuality, he probably has not noticed anything at all, and the conversations we've been having most recently probably seem like nothing to him. To him, it's just that he's talking to me, because that's what friends do. To me, I see, "Oh, he's talking to me. Yay, he doesn't hate me. Yay, he actually does want to talk to me. Yay, I'm not bugging him."

And I know I shouldn't feel like that. But I do.

I also feel like I scare him sometimes. Haha. But that's a different story. **wink wink**

Wow, look. I found something to blog about.

Peace out dudes and dudettes.

Yes, ladies and gents, I now have AIM back. No longer do I have to use that retarded AIM Express, which was slow, repeated everything I said three times, and just all around SUCKED. But, **ahem**, I didn't download AIM onto my 'rents computer, okay? It just magically appeared there, right? Right. You all are my witnesses. **wink, nudge, etc.**

History test tomorrow. Ms. Biancolli gave us an index card, told us we can use it on our tests. She said to put as many of our notes on the index card that we could fit. Hah. Well, I ended up fitting 6 pages of notes onto one small 3x5 index card!!! haha. I can write tiny when I want. And get this... it's actually more legible then my actual handwritting. Haha!!!

Watch, something bad will happen, and I'll fail the test anyway. Oh well.

Much love!

Big report due tomorrow. Definitely not done. Heh heh. Sorry, no entry tonight. =)

<3 *Steeni

PS- Yay! I aced my Ch. 3 test in Algebra 2! Yay! (done bragging)

(love ya much, Jen)

If AIM kicks me off one more fucking time, I will throw this fucking computer out a mother fucking window.

---Edit, 2 fucking seconds later--- THAT'S IT. This computer is fucking gone.

Scott Peterson, you guilty bastard. Hah. Hah. Hah.

I'm sorry for not replying to anyones entries/comments in the past 48 hours or so.

We're going to get a new kitten tomorrow. I do not want a new kitten. It feels like everyone's trying to replace my baby. :(

I wish I had my computer working and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm constantly being watched on my parents computer.

Our new kitten is about 10 weeks old, and the people who gave him to us named him Squirt,  which is retarded. But oh well. I dont' think this kitten likes me much. Oh well. This morning, during the first hour or two that he was here, we were thinking of things to do with im; it's been awhile since we'd had an actual kitten. And then I would start saying, "Well, with Kyi, I used to do this, and that" and then, being the big fucking loser I am, tears would start forming and I had to use all my strength not to fucking cry. Just because this damn cute little kitten makes me miss Kyi. :( I am such a loser.

I may be a loser, but my brother just so happens to be a winner. Lou played his final baseball game today (er, of this fall season) and his team won 14-8!!!! I am soooo the perfect sister. I sat on those bleachers and cheered on every single little kid on his team. I know all their names. Their numbers. I cheered them on. I gave directions, "No, dont' steal!" "Stay" "GO! Go! FREAKING GO!" I even got into an argument with the opposing team's coach, because he was being a fucking jackass. Yes. I felt very accomplished. ;)

All for now,

<3 'Steeni

PS: I don't believe you. But whatever. Pretend all you want, it's not bothering me.

Taken from Sarah, who posted after my "fuck it" comment.

Do you...
[drive] No. I was supposed to get my permit 7 months ago, but, damn, I'm lazy. [smoke] No. I have, though, before. But that's nasty. [skip school] Yeah. [look at porn] Not a lot. Depends on who I'm with with. [gamble] Not like real gambling, no. [swear] All the fucking time. [pill pop] Used to all the time. Not anymore. [pick your scabs] If they're small. [talk a lot] Depends on my mood. [eat a lot] Usually: no. Today: yes. Ew. [drink alcohol] Rarely. [cut yourself] Too often for my own damn good. [fight with parents] Not really. Mom is my best friend; Dad doesn't talk to me. [have other siblings] 3 younger brothers. [get into fights at school] Haven't been recently. [steal] Occasionaly. But petty stuff. [lie] to myself. [cheat] No. Hardly. [hate yourself] Yes, but...  [love yourself] I love myself to death as well. [play an insturment] Not very well. [cry a lot] Hardly at all. [wear braces] No. [wear glasses] Yeah. Without them I'm damn near blind. [get good grades] Straight As.

Are you...
[fat] Not huge, but... [skinny] I'm nowhere near skinny!! [tall] No. I'm 5'4" [short] Yep. But there are shorter. [ugly] The ugliest. [attractive] The prettiest. [athletic] Haha no. However, I love track. [gay] Everyone in Hundley's 2nd per. thinks I am, but no, I'm not. [straight] Yessss. [slutty] I'm a fucking crackwhore. [modest] Not really. [nice] Usually. [mean] I can get pretty nasty. [naive] Hah. I wish. [selfish] Sometimes. [pessimistic] Realist. [optimistic] Realist. [happy] Yes, but no. [depressed] Not anymore. [lonely] Yeah. [insecure] Only when I let myself be. [afraid] chicken shit. [confused] Hahah yeah. [lost] OMG! Where did I go?? [in love] There's no such thing. [taken] Free as can be.

Have you...
[murdered someone] Points to introduction. [hurt somebody] A lot of people. [kissed someone of the opposite sex] Yes. [kissed someone of the same sex] Yes. [ran away from home] Used to all the time. Haven't in years. [tried to commit suicide] Three of my previous attempts landed me near dead in the hosptial. [fallen for someone of the same sex] No. [shoplifted] Yes. [been in love] There's no such thing. [been to jail] JDC count? [broken a part of your body] sprained my right wrist once. [been in lust] Yes. That's my favorite. [done something you regret] Never regret a thing. [had a threesome] Dude, who's the one that has orgies on All Hallow's Eve???

Listens...
[rock] Yes. [alternative] Yes. [punk] Is dead. But yes. [metal] Yes. [pop] Yes. [folk] No. [country] Some. [r n' b] Yes. [rap] Yes. [hip-hop] Yes. [classical] Of course!!

Others...
[favorite color] Black (yes, I know it's not a color). Bright green and orange. Purple. Silver. [favorite food] Pizza. Pasta. Mostly anything Italian. [favorite dessert] Don't really eat dessert. [favorite place to be] In my shower (yes, I know that sounds odd). [favorite place to shop] Don't know. I don't do a lot of that. No money. [favorite book] Cut, Catalyst, Wuthering Heights, Harry Potter series, the Anita Blake series, Sabriel, more. [favorite movie] Grease, without a doubt. [shoe brand]  I just gotta like the damn shoe. [religon] Anti. [what you want to be when you get older] Dead. But before that... a bum. I dunno. Undecided. [color of hair] Dark blonde. [color of eyes] Same color as my hair. Hazelish. [any tatoos] Not yet. [any piercings] Ears, soon to have my right eyebrow double pierced.

Mikey IM'd me tonight so I feel super special. Yay.

I'm going to hell and dragging Courtney with me. Anyone else want to come?

Most of my entries more recently haven't really had any substance to them. When I started my blog, well, I wanted it to be a place for me to get my feelings out. But lately all I've been giving more "today I did this" entries than "today I felt this" entries, and I don't like it. But it's not just here on Mindsay. It's in my lovely little composition notebook journal as well. I hardly write in there anymore, and when I do, it's "Well, yesterday I did this." Yeah. So me not talking about my feelings is making me angry.

But anyway, let's ignore the above and talk about things that happened today, shall we?

We got progress reports today. Yippie. My grades are so boring:
* Algebra II Honors= A

* English II Honors= A

* Digital Design I= A

* Biology Honors= A

* World History Honors= A

* Psychology I= A

And, not to mention, in every single one of my class, I had the highest percentage grade. So, I'm like, top of the class. In every class. Wow. I so don't deserve that, but, whatever.

Brandon tried to break my pencil today... on my knuckle. He kept hitting me with the damn pencil, trying to get the thing to break, and (honestly, it didn't hurt me at all, strange, because, wow, he was really trying to break the thing)... I own the invincible purple-pencil-with-the-smilie-face-on-the-yellow-eraser. He even threw the pencil at the wall... still no breakage. Hah (Jen got attacked too, by the way. lol). This amused me greatly, even though, after he gave up, I had the hugest red marks on my knuckles. I tried to make them go away, but they would only get redder. **grrs** Then, the more I stared at these red marks, the more they looked like a rash to me. So now I'm thinking, "Great. Now everyone's going to think I have some rash on my hand." I tell this to Brandon. He says, "Sorry!!" and then gives my knuckles a kiss. That was sweet. But that did not make the red marks go away. lol.

I had something else to say, but, most unfortunetly, it would involve talking about feelings. Which I seem to not do anymore. We'll see what happens. Stick around kids, stick around.

<3 *Steeni

Firstly, this....... person, http://xnessiex.mindsay.com is a freaking icon thief. She stole the "Taken over" icon that I MADE and it HAS MY NAME ON IT. **grrrrrrrrr**  Everyone go to her blog and please explain to her the concept of "asking before taking."

Secondly, I think, essentially, this came from Ali's blog. At least, this is who Jen stole it from. Please fill it out. You could be serious or sarcastic, I'd perfer serious, but I can't talk because, well, when I filled out Jen's, I used a mixture of deadpan seriousness and sarcasm.

1. I love 'Steeni's _____.
2. 'Steeni has the best ______.
3. 'Steeni and I are ______.
4. I met 'Steeni _______.
5. 'Steeni loves ______.
6. I hate 'Steeni's ______.
7. 'Steeni hates my _______
8. I wish 'Steeni would _______.
9. If 'Steeni was with me right now I would ________.
10. 'Steeni's best quality is________.
11. 'Steeni's worst quality is _________.
12. 'Steeni has the worst ______.
13. I am jealous of 'Steeni's _______.
14. If I could do one thing to 'Steeni it would be _____.